Super G & Tammy - Death and Grieving

     A few of years ago I was in a Psychology of Human Relation class that required a speech on one of the course topics.  It was a number of months post the death of a friend of mine and I decided to pull the trigger on a topic that seemed well suited to the situation at the time.  Giving that speech was no picnic I assure you.  I'm a terrible public speaker much less covering this subject matter at the same time.  The instructor said that it was exactly what he was looking, and said that he had no idea how I managed it.  Neither do I.

     After reading blog post, "In the Gutter: Can we please make it stop?" (please reading it for yourself) this evening by cyclist Chris Strout, I've decided that I should probably share the speech.  Other than the people in the class only two or three others have had the opportunity to read this, one of them being the Tammy that is mentioned in the above blog.  Speech to follow:

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     On the evening of September 18, 2008, Gregg P, Bednorski collided with a motor vehicle while riding his bicycle on county KK in Mosinee, WI, he was 41 years old.  I can tell you almost every detail of my evening that night, the hours leading up to hearing the news as well as most of the following day.  It is amazing how much an extreme emotion, be it happy or sad, can cause you to retain information surrounding an event while other days go by with no recollection.  Gregg was a devoted husband, a father, a friend to many, and also a very dedicated bicycle racer.  The picture displayed is what I feel represents Gregg the best, on his bicycle, with a look of agony, drive, and motivation on his face.   As a friend of ours put it in an article on the incident, Gregg rode with a “ferocious tenacity”.  The number of races Gregg entered in and placed in were many.  His favorite race was the Chequamegon Fat Tire Festival which is a 40 mile off-road event in Northern Wisconsin.  Chequamegon is a national event and brings in so many registrants every year that they have to limit the number of racers to 2,500.  Many people are turned down.  To give you some idea of his dedication I will cover a small part of his competitive resume.  Keep in mind many of these are national events.


1st place - Wisconsin Off-Road Series 1993 and 1995
2nd place - Wisconsin Off-Road Series 1992 and 1996
3rd place - NORBA National Series 1995
4th place - Wisconsin Off-Road Series 1997
Two top 10 finishes (out of 2500) Chequamegon Fat Tire Festival
Eight consecutive top 20 finishes (again of 2500) Chequamegon Fat Tire Festival
1st place - Wisconsin State Time Trial Champion
1st place - Badger State Games Road Race Champion
1st place - Wisconsin Dells Road Race 2005
Forty other 1st place off-road and road finishes


     I first met Gregg in 1995 while working at Freewheel’n Cyclery & Ski in Wausau, WI.  Four years later he would get me a job at Fulton Performance Products where he was the Network Administrator and I would become the PC Tech.  We spent the next 10 years maintaining an IT department, building a professional relationship, and most importantly, becoming friends.  As recently as spring 2008, Gregg encouraged me back into bicycling and also got me part-time gig at another local bicycle shop. 


     I have been fortunate, so far, in my life to have limited experience with the death of loved ones.  The first funeral I ever attended was for Gregg’s brother whom we both did some part-time web development for.  Psychologist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross comments on our denial of death in her book “On Death and Dying” where she states:

We use euphemisms, we make the dead look as if they were asleep, we ship the

children off to protect them from the anxiety and turmoil around the house if the

[person] is fortunate enough to die at home, [and] we don’t allow children to visit

their dying parents in the hospitals. (Kubler-Ross, 1969, p. 8)

     I was reminded of my first visitation while reading this passage and the piece on making the dead look as if they were asleep.  That was exactly my thinking.  Kubler-Ross also identified five stages of dying.  [List of stages and definitions removed]  Joan Retsinas notes that this lists applicability is limited to those cases where people received advanced diagnosis of terminal illness.  Edwin Shneidman acknowledges the presence of those feelings described by Kubler-Ross but does not see them linked in sequence.  Shneidman suggests, instead, that people show a variety of emotional and cognitive responses and that these responses reflect their personalities and philosophies of life.  Research supports Shneidman’s views and so do I.  


     While visiting Gregg’s family and friends the day after his death, I found some people very quiet, some almost absent, some supporting, and most surreal of all was seeing his daughter, who is 5, carrying on as if it were just another day in the life of.  [Section on Eric Lindemann’s Stages removed]  In my days over the last seven months I have spent a lot of time with friends of mine and Gregg’s as well as some time with his family.  While his wife seems to display the most textbook grief process another friend of ours and co-worker comes to my office at work at random times and just sits down, I’ll ask, “What’s up?” and he’ll say, “I’ve got a case of the screw its”.  I would have to say that for the most part, people limit how much they show any of these stages and they come in many other forms.  Some of us have gotten together for dinner and a few drinks, bicycle rides, or just chatting.  We discuss the incident, the whys, the how’s.  We talk about older days, past races and events, good times at the bike shop, stupid things we used to do or will do, and what is to come.  Sometimes we don’t have to talk at all.  All of this being part of the healing process.


There are many things you can do to cope with death and help the process move along.  


Cry for Your Loss - Don’t buy into the myth that you have to act a certain way, especially if you’re a guy. It is natural to cry and listen to this, it is necessary.  


Talk about your loved one - There’s no lonelier feeling than the one in the pit of your stomach about a month after the funeral.  It seems like that loved one is still very much in your life.  It also seems like the rest of the world has gone on with the daily routine.  This is all too true for me.  At work, I've lost a big part of my IT team yet the business expects the world to keep turning at the same pace.


Honor the memory of the deceased - I’m doing this today.  The dates on the calendar are tough, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, especially during the first year.  Eat at their favorite restaurant, buy a gift for a family member in their honor, or do something that sparks an old memory.  Honoring them will help because it will help you feel like the memory is alive, even when the person is not.  


Allow for time to heal - The frown won’t change in a second, it will take time. At first, when you remember your loved one, it’s going to hurt.  At some later date, you will remember them with a smile and a fond memory.  That happens at a different time for everyone.  


Think about their wishes - What would they want you to do?  They probably wouldn't want you sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.  I know for certain that Gregg wouldn't.  


     This will be hard in the beginning but as time begins to heal, think of ways to live your life that will honor the loved one.  Being the best you can be and knowing that they are counting on you to do that will help.  I know that Gregg felt like he could count on me and I like his family and our friends to feel the same way.  For me, this is a big part of the healing process, doing what I can do to help.  The best advice I can give to someone on grieving and helping the bereaved is to take it a day at a time and simply be there for those that need you.

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R.I.P - Gregg and Tammy